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The Vixenpixie

These are not memoirs

Within Her Mind

“She’s annoying”
“Why? Because she’s not you?”

The stillness extended and the tension grew, sneaking in through the spaces in each window net, the dour drafts, and the slice of space underneath each door.
Flopping on the bench, she let out an angry howl
“You make me so angry!”
He said nothing to that. There was no response he could give that would bring her back from where she was going now. He knew he should try but he just stared and stared, watching as the fury licked her like wild fire; Eyes getting hotter the more she thought about it. She had started to beat the pillows with her closed fist and He knew they would turn ink in an instant and she would not even notice.
He watched

Worried and watched
Then just like that, her eyes came up to meet his and the heat was all gone.
The tension disappeared as quickly as it had come and the screams she hadn’t been sharing just stopped.
Fear held him against its bosom.
“Stella…” Her silence hit him like in the gut like a fist.
“No! Say nothing”

She got up slowly, the thick cold was pressing her, enfolding her, tightening inside her
She felt her fingers get cold one after the other and her feet felt heavy on the lush rug
Over and over, swaying and swishing, the whirlwind in her head tossed and trashed
Round and round, messing up her insides
Shut up! Please shut up!!
I’m quiet Stella. Why are you shouting?
She heard her, she heard the condescending lilt, she heard the prodding
He doesn’t deserve you. He won’t stop. Make him stop.
Make him stop!
Yes.
How?
You know how.
I won’t do it.
You must.
I can’t.
Then he’ll hurt you again.
Fine. Let him.

Quiet. Everything went quiet.
She had been looking at the rug, her eyes beginning to smart at staring the vibrant yellow that lay carelessly at her feet. Her eyes were stinging from staring at something so bright for so long, so she looked at him.
She saw the fear swimming in his eyes, the thick vein at his neck throbbing, pulsating and she made to walk towards him. When her legs wouldn’t listen, she gave a groan.
“Just a friend?”

He let go of the breath he’d been holding
“Yes, Just a friend”
“Will she like me?”
“I don’t care. She’s dispensable”
She said nothing and bit the inside of her cheek for what seemed like minutes. He crossed the room and plucked her off her feet.
“Let’s go take a shower”

That Orange Thing

Hue, Glow

The intense cantaloupe

Blazing above like an aura

Big, Bright, Hanging low

making the hours seem so slow

formulating this mirage to seem so real

sweat and the drowsiness a part of me

This ample colossal luminous streaks

cutting the grand azure into bits

Sun rays spiking off my skin

The radiant sky burns me to thin.

The Ouvre

The Oeuvre
God’s Oeuvre
I see it about you
The crisscross of your bright and dark tones
the lines pulled taught at the nape
and sure strong bones tenderly covered
thinly protected by the stretch of dermis

Your natural jacket
The husk that fosters you
Your defense, your insulation
Showing, Crowning
The paintings of the Almighty
who thought ahead on the exactness of canvas
This smooth coloured canvas that He always knew would be the death of me

Your skin
warm and soft
weathered by light and air
Soaking my strokes and licks
The coating for the core
The casing for all beauty
The one I seek to peel off and swim beneath
The one that I would never stop worshiping.

The Woodpecker

kok, kok, kok

We heard him every night when we tried to act like we were sleeping
Eyelids squeezed tightly shut
bed sheets soaking the sweat that poured from us
labored breathing and swallowed spittle

kok, kok, kok

Why did we hear him only when we went to bed
when our parent’s raised voices had quietened down to tensioned silence
when the windows should not have let anyone in
when the birds outside where hooting themselves to sleep

kok, kok, kok

It had to be a man, it had to be
We refuse to believe that it was anything else
but we stayed in bed and feared to look
who knew what would be shook

kok, kok, kok
Our big brother was home from school
what is this noise that scared us so?
And so he went to take a look
ahoy! It was the cat and his curiosity
he’d loved the sounds of shoes on wood.

WHAT IF?

Truthfully,

What if I die here?

What if sin’s chains choke me till I die?

What if I reach and I crawl and I strain and I fall?

What if I cry and I try and I never get out of here?

What if I never find my voice, or the courage to tell the truth?

What if I live my life for someone else because I’m afraid to demand it back?

What if I never stop hiding?

What if shame keeps my hands from rising?

What if?

What if I never heal?

What if the wounds in my deepest parts fester, and I rot, full of bile and bitter?

What if I end up broke(r), miserable and alone?

What if my dreams make no sense?

What if all I set out to achieve is emptiness and stupidness?

What if?

What if this is all there is to me?

What if…

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Take

Take It

Take this Pudenda

Invade it

feel it

Let the neighbor hear me screaming

hopefully you’ll take your time.

I’ll let you have your own way

Time will wait

Put it in here

Still take your time

I don’t care about the bruising

or about the dripping

Don’t let my gasping stop you

Don’t let my gripping slow you

Kiss me, bid me welcome

Take my arrival with excitement

Let summer and christmas and cold nights and hot afternoons meet us here

See how you fit so perfectly, expanding by the second

Taking what you deserve to

What you desire to

What you are determined to

It’s not new to you, it’s not old to you.

This place we lay, this orifice you colonize

This familiarity that will become me

From the invasion that came from you.

The Wrap-Up

Woman-in-pain

Hoarse

She was hoarse from screaming

Was it a nightmare, Please let it be a nightmare

She had been running down in the dark corridor for such a long time

The walls were sweating all around her

sweating blood

His little voice was all around her

inside her, on top of her, everywhere

“Don’t do this to me”

She’d  had no choice. She’d had a choice.

She was crying now

Please make it stop.

Sweetness

The pleasure spreading through all of her body like liquid gold

Strokes, Sighs…

Unquantifiable, this feeling of soaring

It was nothing like she had experienced before

His voice came from above her

“Open your eyes, I want to see you”

Tentatively, she pulled her lids open

How could she keep them pen when she was feeling this good?

Smoothly he slid into her and she bucked.

Don’t stop. Please don’t stop.

The tearing seemed to begin from inside her heart

The tears wont stop flowing, wetting her weave, pooling at the back of her neck.

One choke after another, the cold compress seemed to invade her, clean her,

dirty her, stain what was left of her.

She wasn’t hearing his voice anymore.

There was only one that stood above her now

Face hidden behind a mask,

Eyes that stuck to her sweaty face with understanding competent hands

He hadn’t been ready. Neither was she.

Not even when the feeling had threatened to swell her

into the a ball of joy.

He hadn’t been ready.

Had she?

“It’s over now” The doctor said to the girl with the huge eyes

They looked haunted, deeper that he was used to seeing around

An innocent

She could barely stop the racking sobs but he was glad he was done.

Inside her would be silent now. No more fluttering, No more feeling.

She would finally feel the emptiness now. It was over.

Chafe

start here

Start Here

I hear their voices droning on and on

I need this sleep to take me but how would this happen if they never stop talking?

Start Near

They talk about pedestrians, about girls in red dresses, about constitutional mistakes

and the slavery of cab drivers in a state with bad roads and a difficult economy

Think. Think.

On a day that is not today, I wouldn’t care

On a day that might have been yesterday, I would fare well

On a day that the sun isn’t staying long in the sky, I would be fair

But it’s beginning in my mental screams

not like releases found in the shallow streams betwixt thick thighs

No, it is not the caffeinated green tea

or the exhaustion that this bed isn’t taking from me

Thinking. Thinking.

They won’t stop talking

So I can’t stop thinking

Let’s imagine things ashore

Water against stubbornly scalding sand

Counting sheep in the hundreds

Damn, Today I can’t stand their yapping

Their misplaced ideologies

I can’t stand the rancorous laughter and the misled agreed murmurs

Today I can’t stand any of it at all

So I’m gonna get off this lush lush disloyal bed

and I am going to…

Why, I should…

I Give To You

i give

I give to you

My largest duvet

so you can hide under and busy yourself

in the bed of my thoughts, be pillowed by my over-protectiveness, entangled in the warmth of my angst

I give to you my scissors

To trim, and cut yourself down, shorter,

way shorter than the largess that has been bestowed on you at birth

as the darker sex

The larger sex,

the more important sex,

the phallus

I give to you a new brush

One that will scrape against your hairy skin

taking off the layer of dry wit from your lips

to scrub away the filth that remains in your mouth

the ones you call words, yet you hurt other people with

I give to you my oils

The ones you shall rub on your skin,

to vanish and cleanse

to layer as a shinning veneer to hide your truest form from the world

I give to you,

Nothing, Everything, Something

of me and mine

so you can turn away from them

and be one with me

So I can invite you into this bed to share

an intimacy forged by fear.

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